I only look thin, but I'm NOT!

I've been spending all morning on this report I had to do. I belong to this Thyla group, a chapter of IFT (International Federation of Trekkers), and we have to send in a monthly report and I've been working on it since last night. Anyway, it's done!

Yesterday I purposely went to Meijers because I have this $5 coupon that is only good from 11-27 thru 11-29 and I bought some things and totally forgot to give them the damn coupon, so now I have to go back today and buy something else before it expires....so now I am forced to buy more stuff....haha

I know that when I talk about my having to lose weight it makes people laugh cuz they just think that I'm so thin and can eat whatever I want....so let me tell ya:

First of all, I don't usually let people see me when I gain weight unless it's family and I can't help it. I don't go out, I don't visit people, etc. My friends think I'm being a snob or being rude cause I won't meet up with them when they call. Well, I avoid people when I gain weight. So most people only see me when I'm thin and they think I'm like that all the time...HA HA HA I wish! And I only post thin pictures of me....never ones of me when I've gained weight.

I use to be around 120-122 pounds (like 5 years ago)...and I am quite satisfied with anything around 125 pounds; but my weight keeps creeping up well into the 130's. Last January I weighed 136, dieted and got down to 126 by May...but it keeps creeping back up. I usually weigh myself every single day and write it down, but I stopped doing that when my weight got back up over 130, so yesterday morning I weighed myself and I was 139 freakin pounds!...YES, that is fat for me. I am only 5'5" and that is too much weight for my small frame. I can only get into about 3 pairs of my 30 pairs of jeans and I look like I'm pregnate. So I am taking Hydroxycut diet pills and simply not eating hardly anything. So today I weighed myself and I was 136#, a little better but a long way to go. Hell, I go back to work in February and I need to fit into my clothes. I knew I was in the mid-130's, and I think my eating candy instead of smoking cigs put on more pounds. I expected that, but it still freaks me out.

So now I am not smoking (18 days now), and not eating....I am basically a bundle of nerves. My stomach is in knots, especially at night when I crave a cigarette the most. I can't sleep cause my nerves and stomach are so knotted up, so I've been taking Tylenol PM to try to relax and sleep. I am at the point where I just want to EAT cigarettes!...haha I think it would help if I got together with one of my smoker friends and just breathe in their smoke, but I can't see anyone right now til I lose at least 5 more pounds!....

Also, I know that a lot of my weight gain is from my weekend binging of beer and rum....so I can't do that anymore either til Xmas....so no cigs, no food, no booze...Holy hell, I may as well be dead...but at least I'll be skinny....